The Games That Play Us

day one- confidence.

day two- junk food.

day three- tears.

These are the stages of this new ending. I can’t call it a break up, because you can’t break up if you were never together. However, after four solid months of spending time together, talking, and everything in between, it has come to a close. So, while he gets smashed out at the bar and tries to bury whatever it is he is feeling today, I’m here blogging, tears running down my cheeks and all.

It doesn’t surprise me that as I type with my iPod on shuffle, the next song would be The Pioneers off of the Bloc Party album Silent Alarm. It’s as much the lyrics or tune asthe fact that it’s Bloc Party. We used to blare that album in my car, and eventually in his room. I got him hooked.

I guess that’s the thing, I thought I had him hooked onto what we had going on. No, not all the way. But enough. Enough to care. Enough to feel my absence when gone or to notice that I stopped calling. But then again, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he never did.

I haven’t written here in months. To be honest, it hasn’t been because I have felt uninspired or because I forgot. It’s because I have been too busy making bad decisions. That’s a good way to summarize my last semester at Ferris. I did a lot of awesome things as President of MIMA and with Turn Up The Good. Landed an internship, secured a second summer job, walked across the stage in my cap and gown. But personally? No, not so much.

The hard parts about this relationship ending is that I knew it was no good for me. Yet, he had ME hooked. I suppose he still does, which would explain the tears. I knew I had to end it- but now I’m just sad, and empty, and I feel like a chunk of me is missing.

I never wanted to feel like that again, but regardless of what my brain or heart is saying, I do. For the second time in my life.

Keeping it casual, no strings attached, just a little more than friends…it’s all bullshit. It doesn’t work. Maybe some people in this world can spend ample amounts of time with someone, care, try to be there for them and in the end can just keep their heart at arm’s length. I, however, am not one of those people. This I know for sure.

So, here I am, once again wondering. What is he thinking? Does he misses me?  What is his logic is behind not calling me? Will we ever talk again? Did anything I did for him matter? Does he have the same memories as me? How long will this feeling last?

I really can only blame myself for this predicament I’m in. I knew it was bad news from the get-go…but I got reeled in. For the blink of an eye, I was content there. It wasn’t until I began to remember my goals, my standards, my plans that I quickly knew I was on the wrong path. Thing is, I just ignored it. I didn’t get out soon enough, despite all the warning signs. Now, I pay for it.

I’m very torn in two right now. Half of me misses it all, misses him. I want it all back and I wonder what I can do to fix it. The other half of me knows how relatively easy the first option would be, and also knows how that would only lead to more heartbreak in the end.

This IS what’s best. It’s also what sucks the most.

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~ by chatterbox667 on May 26, 2011.