The Games That Play Us

day one- confidence.

day two- junk food.

day three- tears.

These are the stages of this new ending. I can’t call it a break up, because you can’t break up if you were never together. However, after four solid months of spending time together, talking, and everything in between, it has come to a close. So, while he gets smashed out at the bar and tries to bury whatever it is he is feeling today, I’m here blogging, tears running down my cheeks and all.

It doesn’t surprise me that as I type with my iPod on shuffle, the next song would be The Pioneers off of the Bloc Party album Silent Alarm. It’s as much the lyrics or tune asthe fact that it’s Bloc Party. We used to blare that album in my car, and eventually in his room. I got him hooked.

I guess that’s the thing, I thought I had him hooked onto what we had going on. No, not all the way. But enough. Enough to care. Enough to feel my absence when gone or to notice that I stopped calling. But then again, maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he never did.

I haven’t written here in months. To be honest, it hasn’t been because I have felt uninspired or because I forgot. It’s because I have been too busy making bad decisions. That’s a good way to summarize my last semester at Ferris. I did a lot of awesome things as President of MIMA and with Turn Up The Good. Landed an internship, secured a second summer job, walked across the stage in my cap and gown. But personally? No, not so much.

The hard parts about this relationship ending is that I knew it was no good for me. Yet, he had ME hooked. I suppose he still does, which would explain the tears. I knew I had to end it- but now I’m just sad, and empty, and I feel like a chunk of me is missing.

I never wanted to feel like that again, but regardless of what my brain or heart is saying, I do. For the second time in my life.

Keeping it casual, no strings attached, just a little more than friends…it’s all bullshit. It doesn’t work. Maybe some people in this world can spend ample amounts of time with someone, care, try to be there for them and in the end can just keep their heart at arm’s length. I, however, am not one of those people. This I know for sure.

So, here I am, once again wondering. What is he thinking? Does he misses me?  What is his logic is behind not calling me? Will we ever talk again? Did anything I did for him matter? Does he have the same memories as me? How long will this feeling last?

I really can only blame myself for this predicament I’m in. I knew it was bad news from the get-go…but I got reeled in. For the blink of an eye, I was content there. It wasn’t until I began to remember my goals, my standards, my plans that I quickly knew I was on the wrong path. Thing is, I just ignored it. I didn’t get out soon enough, despite all the warning signs. Now, I pay for it.

I’m very torn in two right now. Half of me misses it all, misses him. I want it all back and I wonder what I can do to fix it. The other half of me knows how relatively easy the first option would be, and also knows how that would only lead to more heartbreak in the end.

This IS what’s best. It’s also what sucks the most.

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.

Time to try a better post than last night. A little more positive and a lot more sober.

So, last year at this time I was just considering running for President of MIMA. Unsure, just thinking about it. Oh, how the time flies. Don’t even get me started on that tangent I have been a rough time grasping the fact that in just a couple of weeks someone new will be taking my place, and I’ll be graduated and out Ferris’ door forever. ANYWAYS, back to the program..

I was thinking of running for President and I heard that this other kid was running named Alex Johnson. I had no idea who he was and I actually talked some shit about him to my friend Renee, before I ever even met the kid….oops.

Well, as it turned out, I wound up as President and Alex became MIMA’s Promotions Chair.

It was whatever- I didn’t really care. Not a big thing, at least at the time. Now, however, I look back at this year and wonder what MIMA would have been like, what my senior year would have been like, without getting to know my good friend Alex.

Alex has done so much already, career-wise, I really admire him for all of that. He single-handedly headed up the concert that is taking place in two weeks here that we have been working so hard to put on an promote- Turn Up The Good.  But aside from all the resume building stuff- the best thing I think he’s done is be a great friend to me this year.

Anyhow, I wrote an article about him for my journalism class- so, I figured I would just paste it here for anyone wanting an interesting read…

 

“Really cool title for this feature article about the success of Alex Johnson, my friend.”

Take one look at his accomplishments and it’s no surprise that Alex Johnson, senior in the Music Industry Management program, would want to bring his expertise back to the campus of Ferris State.

Johnson, the 24-year-old music enthusiast, is taking a full load of classes, serves as the Music Industry Management Association’s [MIMA’s] Promotions Chair, and also is a part-time server at The Gate. On top of all this, Johnson has found the time introduce two new events to the Big Rapids area this school year.

This past summer Johnson worked with Madison House Inc., a major artist management and booking company, as a booking agent intern for over thirty artists. He worked with nationally recognized acts including but not limited to Bassnectar, Lotus, Keller Williams, String Cheese Incident, Beats Antique, Blackalicious, Gift of Gab and The New Deal.

Johnson previously interned for the Lansing Jazz and Blues Festivals as a stage manager of the main stage for both festivals.

Johnson has also worked for the Walt Disney World Company in Orlando, Florida, and as a representative for the Disney Career Start Internship Program, and has worked in both the Magic Kingdom theme park and Disney’s MGM Studios.

“Alex impresses me because he has developed an ability to ‘let things roll’…which is an excellent quality to have in an industry that can be frustrating when organizing collaborative efforts,” said MIM Program Administrative Assistant, Lori Armstrong.  “His calm demeanor while managing to keep his organization of an event ahead of schedule will serve him well in his career.”

In October, Johnson singlehandedly put on Big Rapids’ first ever Fall Fest at The Gate. The event consisted of performances from three bands, and a pong-tournament. Attendees were able to see all three bands for the minimal fee of six dollars.

Among the three bands for the night, Johnson was able to pin down the Muskegon born group on the rise, Four Finger Five. Four Finger Five was cited as “One of Billboards top up and coming festival bands”. They were one of a handful of bands to perform both years at the four-day Rothbury Music Festival in Michigan that attracted over 40,000 people each year.

Johnson obtained funding for the Fall Fest event by getting help from local sponsors such as Quinn’s Music, Quick Cash, and Desired Skin. Johnson enlisted the help of friends and several MIMA members to assist with promotion and day-of-show procedures.

“I got more out of Ferris than I ever expected. I never wanted to attend the University because of my family history here and I wanted to do things differently”, Johnson commented referring to the fact that most of his family has attended Ferris. The Birkam Health Center is even named after Johnson’s grandfather.

“I feel that even though I attended Ferris I still did things very different than anyone else in my family. I did get very valuable experiences at Ferris including three Autumn Alive productions. Also, I had the chance to do two internships, and promote my own one day music event at the Gate” Johnson said.

After a successful Fall Fest turn out, Alex realized there was an opportunity for another full-scale concert on campus aside from the annual concerts, Autumn aLive and Ferris Fest.

Johnson began collaborating with a small group of peers about ideas for the potential concert. It became clear to Johnson and his team that electronic would be the best genre choice due to the recent interest across the country, especially in Michigan.

Johnson initiated meetings to start planning for the show, which has now received funding from Ferris State University’s Finance Division. Turn Up the Good, Ferris State’s first ever electronic concert will take place in the Wink Arena on March 31^st.

“He’s a very hard worker and understands the importance of deadlines and time management. His passion for the music industry definitely shows through in all of his hard work”, said Kelly Kucher, MIM senior who is in charge of the Security and Sponsorship committees for the Turn Up the Good concert.

After his experiences as a summer intern for Madison House, Johnson not only has headed up the efforts for Turn Up The Good by forming committees and delegating tasks, but he has also been very involved with the booking process for the concert. Negotiations for the headliner are still in the works, but as the booking process continues, Johnson carries on work with the Ferris State staff who typically handle the booking process on their own.

Johnson is also a recipient of the National Association of Music Merchants [NAMM] Foundation’s “President’s Innovation Award”. The award supports college students interested in and planning for careers in the music products industry to attend professional development activities at the world-famous NAMM Show, which Johnson attended Jan. 13-16, 2011 in Anaheim, California.

After graduating in May, Johnson hopes to attain a job in the booking sector of the Music Industry, specifically hoping to work in the area of outdoor festivals and concerts.

Johnson said, “Working festivals is something I just grew up doing and where I feel live music is the most exciting. Booking came in when I figured out that’s where there is money to be made, as well as being the field I got my last internship in.”

In his free time, Johnson is an avid fly fisherman, hunter, & outdoor fanatic.

 

 

 

 

Suddenly Everything Has Changed

Man, I haven’t written in a while. It seems my posts always start off this way.

Anyways…here we go. Buzzed blogging, ha, I am sure this one will be an entertaining read to say the least.

So, once again here is the far too common tale of me trusting someone and assuming they are decent and legit, and then, oh- surprise, surprise…not true. Not true at all.

For some idiotic reason I thought that this situation was a bit different. Less emotions involved. More fun. Just…whatever.

Ha, how wrong was I?

I have less than eight weeks left here at this school, and I’m not about to let this ruin the whole damn thing. However, it does put a damper on the situation that I thought was already established. I guess my life really is just like the music industry these days: in a constant state of change.

So, I can’t say I am not upset or mad, I clearly am- otherwise I wouldn’t be typing here in this manner at this time of night. But hopefully, tomorrow, when I awake I won’t feel sad or like the victim I’ll just feel like LAUREN.

Maybe lonely, maybe bummed- but at least just myself.

Myself: doing the best I can to love others and just get through what life throws at me.

I suppose that that’s all you can really ask for…

Somewhere a Clock Is Ticking

So, it’s been a while since I wrote.

Okay, a really long time.

I guess it’s due to several reasons…mostly because I have been busy, but also because I wasn’t sure I had anything sufficient to say.

My life has been a whirlwind of confusion, mistakes, and waiting lately. The two things I want most in life aren’t here… sometimes I feel like they may never come.

I have applied for 75+ jobs since thanksgiving in hopes that maybe just ONE will be interested and potentially work out for May. Nice thought, but apparently that’s not how things work.

Speaking of throwing yourself out there multiple times and waiting for the right thing to work out- welcome to my love life.

All in all, this time of waiting is stressful and aggravating to say the least. I know the right opportunities will come along in both of those arenas at some point. I am just having a difficult time totally surrendering these constant worries and trusting that things will work out.

In other news, I got a new computer. I have a lot of exciting things going on with MIMA, school, and the upcoming “Turn Up The Good” electronic concert. I went to California for a week over my birthday. I became obsessed with the movie, The Town. It’s been three months today since my friend Levi passed away…I miss him.  I’ve been enjoying making paninis in the panini maker I got for Christmas. I have been realizing I either need to watch my diet or exercise more- mostly both.

I mean, things are good. I just wish good would get great again. Things haven’t been great in quite some time.

At the end of the day, even though I haven’t found you yet, I take comfort in knowing you haven’t found me either.

 

Hate Is Safer Than Love

So, ya know that last post I wrote?

Sratch that.

All of it.

It’s dumb to think there is someone different out there. To think there is an exception. Every guy is the same…shallow and ridiculous.

Okay, I know this isn’t a true statement…to be honest, it’s a huge generalization…but for now, it’s how I feel.

Getting your hopes up, thinking someone might actually be worth a chance…not accurate. Not here. And especially not now.

People are selfish and cocky and make me wonder what I ever first thought I saw in them…

You can just call me Lauren Decieved Perry because that’s clearly what I am- most of the time anyways. Sitting here thinking someone or something is good- looking on the bright side…whatever. My bad.

Screw that. Let’s be honest- finding someone who is “different” is a rarity.

Good luck, females. You’re gonna need it.

Return of the Future

Last night the impossible happened.

I met the kind of guy I didn’t think you could meet at Ferris.

You know, the guy that doesn’t exist.

The guy who’s funny, but not annoying. The guy who’s smart, but not a nerd. The guy who has good values, but still can go out and have a good time. The guy who doesn’t try to make a move within the first hour of meeting. The guy who actually listens to what you are talking about. The guy who doesn’t have a girlfriend, but has been in a long-term relationship and knows what it’s like to have a past. The guy who is motivated and has career goals and knows what direction he is headed.

I could go on and on, but really, I woke up this morning wondering if that really happened- meeting somebody who might actually be worth a second thought.

I’m not at all saying I am going to marry this kid- who knows if we will ever even hang out again. All I’m saying is that last night a small sliver of my hope in the male species was restored.

Yeah, just a sliver, but an important sliver nonetheless.

So, if you notice a little bit of a skip in my step today, that sliver would be why…

The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

This month has been so insane, to say the least. So much has happened and changed, but at the same time, nothing has at all.

Friday, November 5th my good friend Levi passed away in a fluke car/deer accident. This event put all Levi’s friends and family into instant shock. So suddenly, Levi was gone. A model student, a loving friend, a strong Christian…just gone, in a blink of an eye. Hard to believe, and even harder to understand.

As for me, I’m not sure it has even hit me yet. It still doesn’t seem real. Two visitations and one funeral later, I still can’t believe he was actually in that coffin, that he is actually gone. His number is still in my phone, and his face is still in my head.

This grave event painted the rest of the month a different shade of grey. The things I looked forward to and the things I was dreading, none seemed as good or as bad as I had planned…everything was just a little less important than what I originally had in mind…

It seems I would have more to say on this topic, want to write and write to let it all out…but this is all…and this is how it’s been…slightly empty…slightly sad…just waiting for things to brighten up again.

I know they will…I just wonder when.

 

The Show Must Go On

I opened a fortune cookie today and it read:

“There are 365 days in a year, may all of your 365 dreams come true.”

The fortune cookie’s message was all too appropriate for today.

Last Halloween I was living in Hollywood, California. This year, back in Big Rapids, Michigan.

My life changed in a major way exactly one year ago on Halloween. It’s crazy how fast time flies.

It’s been a year of challenges and adjustments, but I have also gotten to meet more people, see more things, go more places, grow more,  and learn more than I ever thought I was capable of.

A year from today- who knows where I’ll be.

I’m sure my mindset on this topic will be as far off from what I am guessing as possible…and that’s perfectly okay with me.

Bring it on.

My Attendance Is Bad But My Intentions Are Good

“Truth is, everybody’s gonna hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley

On our three-hour trek north back from Ann Arbor today there was plenty of time to do some thinking.

Yeah, sure, I’ll elaborate…thanks for asking.

You know that saying, “Waiting for the other shoe to drop.”?

I realized today that I do that sometimes; actually, I do that a lot.

For whatever reason, in my head, I am just waiting for things to fall apart- not because I’m a pessimist or because that’s what I want to happen- but because it’s a pattern.

Once you have been screwed over enough times, you just start to expect it…I know that’s the wrong mentality to have, but in a way I think it’s a coping mechanism that kind of just happens naturally after a while.

The only way to really describe it is this picture right here…

A fight breaks out and this person is up in your face. You know you are about to get swung at. Instead of winding up to defend yourself, you just stand there- turn your cheek, grit your teeth, squint you eyes shut and just wait for the blow…

I certainly don’t want to always be assuming I’m going to get the short end of the stick, but at the same time- why wouldn’t I presume that? No one has ever really given me a reason not to…at least not in a long, long time.

Maybe the root of that whole mentality is just being plain scared.

Probably a blend of fear, hesitation and a little of the past…

Throw in some insecurities, mix in some doubt, add a dash of paranoia, and there you have it, ladies and gents- a recipe for probably the stiffest bottle of apprehension you’ve ever tasted.

Go ahead and drink up.

Watch out though, it tastes even worse than it sounds and the hangover is a bitch.

The Heart Brings You Back

So, finally, the Labor Day post. FYI- this one goes full circle.

Maybe this post should have been titled “Ode to Kelly”, because in order to explain the events of our holiday weekend, I first need to give a little history on Kelly and I…

We became friends a mere 7 months ago from meeting in one of our required classes for our major. Kelly sat in front of me and we never really talked until we wound up cooking pancakes together during one of our “deferred class periods”. I don’t know if it was the ingredients in the pancakes or just our personalities, but somehow that day over instant pancake mix, we became instant friends.

I really can’t say I have had that happen with many people before. Most of my close friends and I either go WAY back, or we are bound together by some major common situation or circumstance. For Kelly and I it was just pancakes.  However, it didn’t take long at all to cultivate what is a very meaningful friendship, even though it started with something that wasn’t meaningful at all.

It’s weird to think that I didn’t know her a year ago, because now I don’t know what my life would be like without her. She is hands down one of the best friends I have ever had, and words on this blog can’t really even begin to explain how grateful I am for the place she holds in my life.

With that said, let’s get to the story.

So, mid-summer Kelly informs me that Jay Z and Eminem are coming to Comerica Park on September 3rd.  She could probably tell you the exact date and time she learned of this concert, but for me it was just another summer day. For Kelly though, this was a BIG deal.

If you know me, you know what a dedicated John Mayer fan I am. And if you have spent any time with me at all, you have probably heard the saga of my first John Mayer concert and how I weaseled my way into meeting him and getting his autograph (BEST DAY EVER). Anyhow, I saw him perform two more times after that, totaling 3 ridiculously awesome shows that blew me away. I mean, I am no Ginell (bahahaha),  but three times is a decent amount of opportunities to see your favorite artist perform, I think, anyways.

So, take my love for John Mayer and replace the situation with Kelly and Jay Z. That’s how she feels about him. The only difference being that she hadn’t ever seen him perform…yeah, I am sure you can see where this story is headed…

We buy tickets. Kelly is counting down the days. I’m excited, a big show and a cool venue. I was born near Detroit, so that will be cool to see Eminem there…Comerica Park is sweet…Jay Z and Eminem are both talented…whatever, whatever. It will be cool, I am pumped, but KELLY…Kelly is just stooooked.

Our friends Allie & Curtis along with Kelly and I all head down to Detroit for the big show.

Kelly is excited, to say the least.

She’s making weird “only a true Jay Z fan would know these” gang symbols or something of that nature out the car window to every vehicle passing by, she’s blaring the songs in the car and singing every word, she’s tweeting, texting and facebooking all about it…ya know, all the normal signs of true-fandom.

We get close to our destination and Kelly and I both have to pee. I know I do because of the large Hi-C I had drank from McDonalds on the way down. I think Kelly wanted me to think she had to too because of her Dr. Pepper…but I knew it was just because she was wayyyy to excited for her own good. Just Kidding. But seriously….

Anyways…

After hunting down t-shirts and taking pictures of us in the stands, we watch B.O.B. perform, yadda, yadda. The whole set-up is cool and I think all four of us were pretty pumped to be there. It starts to get dark and the stage really begins to light up. All of a sudden, we see a vehicle with high security surrounding it approach the stage. We knew it had to be Jay Z…

I can’t even describe to you the excitement on Kelly’s face when she realized she was within feet (okay, a lot of feet, but still..) of her favorite artist.

She was spazzing out.

Then, Jay Z takes the stage for his first song…

I have never seen a person more happy and excited in my entire life…and that is not an exaggeration.

I was into the music, and it was a great show, but by far the best part of that whole evening scratch that- the whole weekend (—I know, considering the rest of the weekend and the events to follow- that is saying a lot hehe—) but the best part was just seeing Kelly so pumped up about the music, and Jay Z, and just pumped about life in general.

Being there to experience that with Kelly is something I won’t ever forget- and as corny as it may sound- I think that was one of the very few moments in life that I have felt what they call “pure joy”. Which leads me to the second half of this post…(yeah, Dan Cronk is right, everything is connected…).

Webster defines the word “joy” as: “the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.”

There have only been 4 times in my life when I feel like I have really been truly  “joyful”. I mean, happy, sure, yes, many times. But really “filled with joy”? There are clearly four.

One- a significant  phone conversation with my friend Kelsey in high school.

Two- when my good friend Carol Bennett told me she was FINALLY able to get pregnant with her first son.

Three- a unique turn of events one October night freshman year of college.

Four- seeing Kelly THAT happy and excited several weeks ago.

Why aren’t there more instances like this? I don’t know. I am not saying I am not a happy person, most of the time I would say I am- but these four things stand out above the rest of times I really have felt “joy”. And I think the rare amount of times I have felt this way is what makes it so special when it does come around.

Anyhow, today at church they were talking about lies and how the devil tries to deceive us, etc. They touched on how he wants us to doubt and be brought down, but that we need to contrast that with truth- which obviously comes from God.

They brought up the verse- James 1:2- “Dear brothers and sisters, when trouble comes your way consider it an opportunity for great joy.”

There’s that word “joy” again…but if you really think about this verse, it kind of leaves you thinking…”WTF?”

How can you be joyful about -well, I will just say it- some of the shittiest situations…?

People die, people disappoint you, you get screwed over, your sick, your broke…the list could go on and on. And to be joyful? About all that? Whatever. It doesn’t even tell you to be HAPPY- it jumps up five notches to JOY.

I think this is something hard to understand. It’s certainly hard for me to grasp, let alone do. But after thinking about it, I think what it is saying is that the bad situations are just good opportunities to apply your faith and really trust God.

I really don’t know about being “joyful” in the bad…I feel like that’s pretty hard…But, if we are trying our best to trust God in even the bad times- I guess that should make us pretty happy.

We should be pumped  that we have a God who won’t leave us empty…

We  should be stoked that we have a God who cares….and maybe that’s more exciting and “joyous” than a sweet concert, or even a long-awaited pregnancy- that we have a God who cares about us, and loves us, and wants to give us what’s best.

Just something to think about